As adults, we sometimes struggle not only to find points of connection with young adolescents, but also to know what to do and how to respond appropriately. We worry, we need to let go and give them more autonomy and, as we do so, fears arise: of their mistake, of their pain, of losing control.
Often, their frustrations and fears add to our own. Parents, teachers and tutors share challenges as well as responsibility.
As suggested by Rosa Barriuso, coordinator of the Specialisation Programme in Adolescents and Families In EEC, it is worth remembering that change is not exclusively the responsibility of the adolescent: those of us who educate have a lot to contribute in how we look, ask questions, set limits and accompany.
One of the trainer's proposals to meet the challenges in the adolescence is an active framework of co-responsibility "What's wrong with me / what's behind it / what can I prove" so that, as adults, we can move from complaint to action. This is an approach that we work on in the EEC and that orders the intervention and makes the process co-responsible.
Challenges in adolescence: from complaint to action
- 1. First, (happens to me) we describe what is observable about the situation I am experiencing with the adolescent without labels or judgements: just what is happening, in what context and with what impact.
- 2. Then, (what's behind) we open up respectful hypotheses about what may be operating underneath (the adolescent's needs, which may be for autonomy, belonging or competition; we also look at their emotions; developmental and systemic factors). Diagnoses are not dictated, but are validated by talking to the adolescent himself or herself.
- 3. Finally, (what to try) we define micro-actions and experiments co-designed with the adolescent: small, clear and measurable actions, safe to try in a few days.
Within the focus of the coaching itself, we add a simple indicator of success and a review date to adjust. So we move from complaining to continuous improvement.with consistent boundaries and appreciative look.
An example applied to challenges in adolescence:
To ground the approach, let's take an everyday scene: the use of the mobile phone at dinner time. I then apply the framework -what's wrong with me / what's behind / what I can prove- to turn a repeated conflict into a micro-experiment co-designed jointly by both parties, with a simple indicator and a review date, so that we move from reacting to responding.
- As an adult, happens to me: "When I ask him (my teenager) to put his mobile phone down for dinner, he raises his tone and we end up arguing".
- What lies behind it (hypothesis): need for membership to the group (active chat), transition difficult between activities, impulse > reflection.
- What I can test (micro-experiment):
- Notice 10 minutes before dinner.
- Standard co-designedMobile phone off the table« and charging outside the bedroom.
- Pause signal if tone rises; emotional validation before reasoning (What I need, what the adolescent needs).
- Success indicator: 4 out of 5 dinners without discussion and disconnection in < 2 minutes after warning.
- Review: within 7 days, assess compliance and adjust the standard if necessary.
- Celebrate: recognise the steps, the change and look at the new that has been generated.
Accompanying adolescence requires acceptance of uncertainty and choosing answers, not reactions. The framework proposed by Rosa Barriuso and addressed in the training puts adults back in control: observing without judgement, understanding needs and trying out micro-changes.
With consistent boundaries and an appreciative eye, the relationship gains security and the adolescent gains autonomy. It is not about perfection, it is about progress and connection.
