Lydia Vidal. Conversations are the starting point of all transformation. What we say - and how we say it - can open or close possibilities, build trust or undermine it. Conversations are the origin of the results we obtain, of our satisfactions, frustrations or the conflicts we provoke or avoid.
There are multiple ways to develop our conversational intelligence and achieve conflict-free conversations. Today, we explore a «little big» book, The four agreements, published by Dr Miguel Ángel Ruiz, inspired by Toltec wisdom, offers a simple and profound framework for all professionals and, in particular, for those who accompany change processes or guide teams.
Although the book was born in the spiritual realm, its teachings find support in modern psychology and neuroscience, and align with the core principles of ontological coaching: personal responsibility, power of language and quality of presence, and are key to conflict-free conversations.
A framework of coherence and humanity
«The »four agreements" are not rigid rules, but rather a daily practice of coherence and awareness. They invite us to be careful with language, to observe without judgement, to communicate clearly and to act on the basis of personal responsibility.
«The four agreements offer a practical guide to sustaining this coherence between thinking, feeling and doing.
1. First Agreement: Be impeccable with your words
To be impeccable does not mean to be perfect, but to speak with integrity.
From neuroscience it has been demonstrated that the language modifies perception and emotionsWords activate neural circuits that influence mood and behaviour. Cognitive behavioural psychology confirms that the way we speak to each other determines how we act. According to ontological coaching, language does not just describe the world: it creates it.
Example for conflict-free conversations:
The change of tone transforms a correction into a learning conversation.
- Without the agreement: «This is wrong, you are always wrong».»
- With the agreement: «I have seen some mistakes; let's review them together to learn and improve».»
2. Second Agreement: Don't take anything personally
This agreement invites separating the self from the judgement of others.
In psychological terms, it strengthens the internal locus of controlThe ability to take responsibility without being burdened by the emotion or opinion of the other. Social neuroscience shows that criticism activates the same brain areas as physical pain; however, emotional self-regulation reduces this activation and allows us to respond calmly.
Example for conflict-free conversations:
A small change of approach can avoid conflict and open up a more humane conversation.
- Without the agreement: «He spoke badly to me, I'm sure he thinks I'm not competent».»
- With the agreement: «He seems upset; I will listen calmly to understand what he needs».»
3. Third Agreement: Don't make assumptions
The brain seeks to close uncertainty, and therefore tends to interpret and complete what it does not know.
This is what psychology calls cognitive biases. However, these assumptions often distort reality and hinder communication. Coaching proposes just the opposite: ask, explore, don't take for granted.
Example for conflict-free conversations:
Asking rather than assuming avoids misunderstandings and builds trust.
- Without the agreement: «He has not answered me because he is not interested in the project».»
- With the agreement: «I haven't received your answer, how are you doing, do you need anything?»
4. Fourth Agreement: Always do your best
This agreement relates to the theory of flow (Csíkszentmihályi) y the self-pity (Kristin Neff). Doing one's best at all times - without demand or guilt - enhances motivation and psychological well-being.
In coaching and leadership, this attitude sustains continuous learning without becoming paralysingly self-demanding.
Example for conflict-free conversations:
- Without the agreement: «I did a terrible job, I'm not good for this».»
- With the agreement: «Today I did my best with what I had; next time I will prepare this point differently».»
This change of outlook encourages constant improvement based on responsibility, not guilt.
The Four Agreements, a training to defuse the traps of the Ego
In psychology and language ontology, the ego is not «bad», but an identity structure: the image we construct of ourselves from beliefs, judgements and experiences.
The problem arises when we confuse that image with who we really are. From there, we interpret the world as a threat or a mirror that validates (or questions) our personal value.
Ego is an obstacle to conflict-free conversations: tends to use language to protect themselves or assert their identitycriticises, exaggerates, accuses or defends himself.
The ego feeds on approval and recognition. It lives in comparison. It hates uncertainty: it needs to be right, to understand and to control. Finally, the ego lives between demand and guilt: if it does well, it is inflated; if it does badly, it is punished.
The Four Agreements are a practice for silencing the reactive ego and allowing a more conscious version of the self to emerge and the desired conversations without conflict:
- It uses language to create, not to attack.
- Which is not defined by the gaze of others.
- Who prefers to ask rather than judge.
- Who acts with integrity, without demand or blame.
Practising coaching is training in living the Four Agreements every day.
Moving from theory to practice requires more than intellectual understanding: it requires experiencing change first-hand. A coaching process or training in coaching allows us to live the Four Agreements not as concepts, but as observable behaviours: take care with language in every conversation, stop taking things as attacks, ask before assuming and act responsibly, without being demanding.
In other words, those of us who have been through a Coaching certification we have managed to train ourselves until these principles have become habits: We have integrated them into our way of listening, communicating and proposing changes and initiatives. We have experienced that learning not only transforms the way we accompany others, but also the way we relate to ourselves and to the world.
- For the coach, the four agreements are a compass that guides the quality of presence in every conversation.
- For the team leader, a way to inspire integrity and build trust with their team members.
- For every person, an invitation to communicate with conscience, to choose the words that build and to live with greater coherence between what they think, feel and do.
Living from there means conversing from presence, not from defence. And that, precisely, is what transforms conversations, relationships and results.
