Lydia Vidal. Conversations are the starting point of all transformation. What we say - and how we say it - can open or close possibilities, build trust or undermine it. Conversations are the origin of the results we obtain, of our satisfactions, frustrations or the conflicts we provoke or avoid.
There are multiple ways to develop our conversational intelligence and achieve conflict-free conversations. Today, we explore a «little big» book, The four agreements, published by Dr Miguel Ángel Ruiz, inspired by Toltec wisdom, offers a simple and profound framework for all professionals and, in particular, for those who accompany change processes or guide teams.
Aunque el libro nació en el ámbito espiritual, sus enseñanzas encuentran respaldo en la psicología moderna y en la neurociencia, y se alinean con los principios esenciales del coaching ontológico: responsabilidad personal, poder del lenguaje y calidad de presencia, y son clave para mantener conversaciones sin conflictos.
A framework of coherence and humanity
«The »four agreements" are not rigid rules, but rather a daily practice of coherence and awareness. They invite us to be careful with language, to observe without judgement, to communicate clearly and to act on the basis of personal responsibility.
«The four agreements offer a practical guide to sustaining this coherence between thinking, feeling and doing.
1. Primer Acuerdo: Sé impecable con tus palabras
To be impeccable does not mean to be perfect, but to speak with integrity.
From neuroscience it has been demonstrated that the language modifies perception and emotionsWords activate neural circuits that influence mood and behaviour. Cognitive behavioural psychology confirms that the way we speak to each other determines how we act. According to ontological coaching, language does not just describe the world: it creates it.
Example for conflict-free conversations:
The change of tone transforms a correction into a learning conversation.
- Without the agreement: «This is wrong, you are always wrong».»
- With the agreement: «I have seen some mistakes; let's review them together to learn and improve».»
2. Segundo Acuerdo: No te tomes nada personalmente
This agreement invites separating the self from the judgement of others.
In psychological terms, it strengthens the internal locus of controlThe ability to take responsibility without being burdened by the emotion or opinion of the other. Social neuroscience shows that criticism activates the same brain areas as physical pain; however, emotional self-regulation reduces this activation and allows us to respond calmly.
Example for conflict-free conversations:
A small change of approach can avoid conflict and open up a more humane conversation.
- Without the agreement: «He spoke badly to me, I'm sure he thinks I'm not competent».»
- With the agreement: «He seems upset; I will listen calmly to understand what he needs».»
3. Tercer Acuerdo: No hagas suposiciones
The brain seeks to close uncertainty, and therefore tends to interpret and complete what it does not know.
This is what psychology calls cognitive biases. However, these assumptions often distort reality and hinder communication. Coaching proposes just the opposite: ask, explore, don't take for granted.
Example for conflict-free conversations:
Asking rather than assuming avoids misunderstandings and builds trust.
- Without the agreement: «He has not answered me because he is not interested in the project».»
- With the agreement: «I haven't received your answer, how are you doing, do you need anything?»
4. Cuarto Acuerdo: Haz siempre lo máximo que puedas
This agreement relates to the theory of flow (Csíkszentmihályi) y the self-pity (Kristin Neff). Doing one's best at all times - without demand or guilt - enhances motivation and psychological well-being.
In coaching and leadership, this attitude sustains continuous learning without becoming paralysingly self-demanding.
Example for conflict-free conversations:
- Without the agreement: «I did a terrible job, I'm not good for this».»
- With the agreement: «Today I did my best with what I had; next time I will prepare this point differently».»
This change of outlook encourages constant improvement based on responsibility, not guilt.
Los Cuatro Acuerdos, un entrenamiento para desactivar las trampas del Ego
En psicología y en la ontología del lenguaje, el ego no es «malo», sino una estructura de identidad: la imagen que construimos de nosotros mismos a partir de creencias, juicios y experiencias.
El problema surge cuando confundimos that image with who we really are. From there, we interpret the world as a threat or a mirror that validates (or questions) our personal value.
El Ego es un obstáculo para las conversaciones sin conflicto: tiende a usar el lenguaje para protect themselves or assert their identitycriticises, exaggerates, accuses or defends himself.
The ego feeds on approval and recognition. It lives in comparison. It hates uncertainty: it needs to be right, to understand and to control. Finally, the ego lives between demand and guilt: if it does well, it is inflated; if it does badly, it is punished.
Los Cuatro Acuerdos son una práctica para silenciar al ego reactivo y permitir que emerja una versión más consciente del yo y las ansiadas conversaciones sin conflicto:
- It uses language to create, not to attack.
- Which is not defined by the gaze of others.
- Who prefers to ask rather than judge.
- Who acts with integrity, without demand or blame.
Practicar coaching es entrenarse en vivir Los Cuatro Acuerdos cada día
Pasar de la teoría a la práctica requiere más que comprensión intelectual: exige experimentar el cambio en primera persona. Un proceso de coaching o una formación en coaching permite vivir Los Cuatro Acuerdos no como conceptos, sino como comportamientos observables: cuidar el lenguaje en cada conversación, dejar de tomarse las cosas como ataques, preguntar antes de suponer y actuar con responsabilidad, sin exigencia.
Es decir, que quienes hemos pasado por una Certificación en coaching hemos logrado entrenarnos hasta que estos principios se han vuelto hábitos: los hemos integrado en nuestra forma de escuchar, de comunicar y de proponer cambios e iniciativas. Hemos experimentado que el aprendizaje no solo transforma la manera de acompañar a otros, sino también la forma en que uno se relaciona consigo mismo y con el mundo.
- For the coach, the four agreements are a compass that guides the quality of presence in every conversation.
- For the team leader, a way to inspire integrity and build trust with their team members.
- For every person, an invitation to communicate with conscience, to choose the words that build and to live with greater coherence between what they think, feel and do.
Living from there means conversing from presence, not from defence. And that, precisely, is what transforms conversations, relationships and results.
