How many times, in order to fit in, to be accepted, or to achieve something, do I find myself thinking about what another person would like to see or hear from me? How much time do I spend doing things with others in mind and not what I want, I feel, I need? How much energy do I use imagining what the other person will see in me if I say or do one thing or another?
“Without self-acceptance and self-respect, one cannot accept or respect another,” H. Maturana.
I act to ‘demonstrate’ when my observer, my beliefs, and the story I tell myself speak, above all, of the fantasy of control that I believe I exercise over others and of the impact that I believe my actions will have externally. This happens when my actions are built on my internal conversation about what I think I have to prove.
In these cases, without any evidence of what the other person expects, what actually happens is that I apply my worldview to the situation, expecting them to judge me in the same way I would. If I act with the intention of proving something, I start from my own certainties and don't take into account that the other person is a different observer, therefore I dismiss how others are seeing the world.
When my emotional state involves the fear of not being accepted, mistrust in myself or in others appears; an insecurity that puts my attention on alert, anticipating, from my own expectations, what I believe will happen.
When my observer of what I want to achieve is more concerned with what I believe others expect of me and what I imagine others would like to see, the focus of my attention is outward. Then, the paradox arises that, In an attempt to control what others think of me, I put my energy and my actions far from what I truly know and what I can act upon.. When trying to achieve a certain effect in the medium that helps us obtain specific results, we insist on focusing outwards, moving away from ourselves.
When I turn my focus back to myself, the light of my attention concentrates on what I do know that I know. My effort is then in deciding what I want to show and I make direct contact with my worth and my motivation. My internal conversation empowers me from my capabilities and strengths and I can show these resources because they are part of my personal identity and self-confidence, because they have to do with me and my authenticity.
When I embrace my ability to show what I want to show, my scope for action broadens from my own skills, and I empower myself to choose what it is I will show to achieve what I desire. To reach this state, I need to accept myself in my limitations and my vulnerability and keep in mind the possibility of making a mistake, knowing that if error appears, I will be able to learn from it.
What I show isn't better than that of another, but I know it, I can change it and improve it if I decide to.
Demonstrate-show, a coaching distinction
As a coach, I have used this distinction to help the coaching client increase their awareness of how their beliefs are positioning them to display or demonstrate. A coaching session can serve to help the client see if their actions are the result of demonstrating without taking themselves into account and being detached from themselves, and how this might condition them and limit their action.
“The acceptance of the other as a legitimate other,” says Humberto Maturana as well.
Showing has to do with self-love, with trusting that my value to others lies in my difference, and for that I need to accept myself as legitimate and valuable too, in order to be in the world who I want to be.
And you, in what situations are you more in *being*, connected with yourself and your worth, and when in *doing*, focusing on what you think others expect of you?
