By Yvonne Moré, certified EEC coach.
I am a psychologist and I remember the importance of «transference» in the processes of attention to the «patient» (which surely comes from patience...), I am also a person and a coach.
Why this confession at the outset? Because, in different contexts, the issue has arisen that we are coaches and not friends: when you become a friend, you stop being a coach. The impulse of possible friendship does not arise in all coaching processes, but what to do when you feel it, is the coach who opens the door to friendship and loses the coachee selfish?
I have come to this conclusion, which I put forward in all humility. I believe that there are several stages in this process:
1st stage: Connection
There are times when transference, empathy, pheromones or communion with the coachee's story leads you to a sympathy and rapprochement, to an inner smile, to a complete understanding of the needs, attitudes, responses and emotions of the person in front of you. It is as if you wish you could go out and share a piece of your life with the other person. You may even wish you could express your understanding rather than your professional guidance...
Stage 2: Professionalism and the coachee as the objective
Why deny my involvement in the project? I think it's good for the coach to feel, I think it's good for the coach to be involved, I think it's good for the coach to be committed: how? That is the question.
We know that our commitment is to the coachee's goal, we know that if the coachee loses confidence, he/she loses chances to help and therefore to achieve his/her goal; but what is it that gives the coachee the strength and motivation to reach the goal? Is it us, the coaches, or is it the coachee's own inner drive that should launch him/her on the springboard?
Stage 3: Decision/selection
Here you are faced with the coach's dilemma: To be friends or not to be friends? Perhaps the key is the difference between I want to be your friend and I need to be your friend.
Need implies that something is not fulfilled within the coach, it implies a lack like all unsatisfied needs. Desire implies a choice, a preference, a possibility to obtain... Happiness?
Stage 4: Friendship and coaching
This relationship is based on mutual respect, even friendship! Friendship dances between the desire to share, the gift, the enjoyment of the gift, the complicity of trust, the «being with you», the parallel position in the swing of the friend's life. The coaching relationship does not have to be alien to these characteristics, because friendship does not mean dependence, it is an individual choice that has coincided with that of the other.
So where is the risk? It is feared that the coachee, for example, will stop fulfilling his or her tasks because he or she no longer respects the coach.
What is this relationship based on: respect-admiration?
In that case, the coachee would not be acting using his own tools, but those based on the coach's model. The commitment would not be to himself, but to the coach.
Where does the coachee learn?
Is it only the role of the coach that produces security and confidence in the coachee?
