By Lydia Vidal. Assertive communication at work is a key to the success of people, projects and organisations. In teams and organisations, conflict is not the problem: the problem is how we talk about it. This is why it is important to sharpen two distinctions that are often conflated and which, together, elevate (or deteriorate) the culture of conversation: hold back vs. restrain and sincerity vs. sincericide.
1. Holding back: keeping quiet «so that nothing happens»... and then it does happen.
Holding back is go offblocking what I feel or need in order not to express it.
It is often born out of fear, pressure or the idea of «I'd better not say it».
Usual result: outwardly calm, inside accumulation. And what is not talked about ends up coming out in the form of distance, irony, explosion or disconnection.
2. Holding back: holding what I feel and choosing how to say it
Cooling down is self-regulateit's not avoidance, it's choose.
It involves contact with what happens to me (my need) and responsibility for the impact on the relationship (attending to the other's need).
Refraining allows you to say what is important and is more likely to be heard: with a positive energy, e.g. without frustration or complaint. Refraining is an expression of the non-violent communication, is to manage conflict.
3. Sincerity: telling the truth with the intention of building up
Sincerity is not «letting it all out». It is align truth + care + purpose.
It includes internal questions such as:
- Why do I say that?
- What do I want to take care of: the link, the result, the clarity?
- How do I say it so that the other can receive it?
Sincerity open dialogue.
4. Sincericide: unregulated truth-telling (and call that honesty)
Sincericide often comes with haste, discharge or moral superiority: «I am like this».
What I say may be true and well-founded, but if I say it without measuring form, timing and intent, the effect usually generates closure, defence or harm.
Sincericide is not bravery: it is lack of measurement. To be honest is not to say everything I think, it is that what I do say is honest.
How the two distinctions are connected
- Repress is often the pole of defensive silence.
- Sincericide is usually the pole of impulsive discharge.
- Refresh it is the bridge, the balance: it regulates emotion and enables useful sincerity.
Put simply:
- To hold back would be to «I'm not saying that»
- Sincericide, «I say it like I mean it»
- Refrain + sincerity, it would be «I say so, and I say so when I can well»
Coaching: Coaching difficult conversations without nullifying or damaging oneself
It has happened to all of us at one time or another. What appears to be assertive communication and a way of managing conflict turns out to be a ticking time bomb. To prevent damage from these explosions, in coaching we train:
- recognising emotion and need
- distinguishing impulse vs. message
- choose the time and the way
- uphold truth with respect and clarity.
Because leading conversations is not about avoiding or running over: it is about know how to be at any given time as the situation and the people require.
Assertive communication essential for managing conflict
In summary, within any relationship and interaction, let us remember that
- Repress is to switch off.
- Refresh is to govern oneself.
- Sincerity builds.
- Sincericide breaks.
And that difference, in an organisation, changes trust, coordination and the quality of results.
