BY SILVIA GUARNIERI.. One of the first skills we develop when engaging with executive coaching is self-awareness, the self awareness. We know we cannot improve our leadership without awareness.
In a world where nothing is permanent and changes unsettle us almost daily, knowing how to respond effectively and make the best decisions at any given moment becomes essential. It not only impacts results but also influences our well-being and that of those around us.
To know who we are, knowing ourselves, and how we are might seem like an abstraction; however, there have been individuals who have dedicated their lives to increasing others' awareness—among them, Jim Selman. who has left us a legacy that encourages constant reflection on who we are being at every moment of our lives.
Passing away at the end of last year, he dedicated decades to sharing his unique perspective on linguistic distinctions, the concept of "being in the moment," and leadership. In his article... 5 Relationships, he tackles the ultimate question: "Who are we?" in a way that allows us to respond most effectively to what happens to us in the present.
According to Selman, to answer the question of who we are, we must observe how we relate to five key dimensions. In fact, he is quite clear in stating that «we are our relations» From this perspective, self-knowledge ceases to be merely a mental exercise and shifts into the realm of the observable.
The 5 Relationships According to Jim Selman
Selman suggests that we analyze how we relate to:
- Ou selvesObserve our internal dialogue—how we speak to and interpret ourselves.
- OthersReflect on our connections, interactions, and the quality of our relationships.
- CircumstancesAnalyze our stance toward what happens around us—do we react or respond?
- TimeExamine how we manage the past, present, and future.
- The unknownAcknowledge our relationship with what we cannot understand or control.
Becoming aware of these relationships, analyzing our habits and the results we achieve, allows us to intervene through concrete actions.
«Freedom lies in our relationship with circumstances, and power comes from realizing that we can always choose how we relate to them», explains Selman.
Instead of trying to control everything, the author invites us to choose to respond from a place of connection. Knowing that we cannot control what happens creates space for us to focus on the freedom we do have—to choose how we respond to it. This choice frees us from resistance and suffering while also giving us the power to accept "what is."
A leader who accepts reality as a starting point can act with greater clarity, make conscious decisions, and create new possibilities. It is in that acceptance where true freedom is found—the ability to act from a place of peace, focus, and connection.
So, effective leadership does not solely depend on technical skills or strategies, but on the quality of the relationships we build. with ourselves, with others, and with circumstances.. In uncertain times, leading from this perspective means going beyond reaction and responding with the freedom and power of choice.
Therefore, if we want to become better people or leaders, we should start by asking ourselves who we are—and for that, it would be helpful to... examen what our relationships are like and how they are shaping our experiences, as they will largely determine our results.
Thank you, Jim, for giving us a lever—it is now up to those of us who learned from you to move the world.
Silvia Guarnieri is a founding partner and academic director of **Escuela Europea de Coaching**, an **MCC coach since 2003**, and the author of several books, including Distinciones de Coaching, Emociones y Vínculos, among others.
