One day this phrase came to me: «What did he die of? He suffocated himself with the words he never said.» And it made me think. How much do we lose by not speaking? By not saying? How many conversations do we have with others that we just reproduce in our minds?
We experience the conversation as if it were happening, triggering emotions as if we were conversing. Everything I hold onto accumulates, the words and the emotions. My emotions pile up, tangle, confuse, consolidate, become a silent scream… we have to let them out; we have to give them voice. Call bread bread and wine wine.
It’s better to be red once than 20 times. Saying what I want, saying it with the assertiveness necessary to respect and not hurt the other, is a form of loyalty to myself and, as Vicente Aleixandre wrote, «Being loyal to oneself is the only way to be loyal to others».
What is it that I try to avoid when I keep my opinion to myself? Why don't I give it?
Fortitude, temperance, prudence, and justice are the four classical virtues that will undoubtedly help us have productive and connective conversations. Not leaving open wounds, not creating unfinished business, and not being stuck in the past.
The point is that, without saying it, we not only lose but others do too. Feedback is the opportunity we have to see through our blind spots and we need to receive feedback. Therefore, if we don’t give it, we are also robbing others of the opportunity to learn or consolidate what is working for them. Of course, I’m not just talking about giving feedback on areas for improvement, but also on strengths. It’s about training the opportunity to talk.
Utility of conversational skills
We need to become aware of the acts of speech (affirmations, judgments, requests, offers, and statements) that are within our reach and make use of them. If we do not ask for them, if we do not offer them, we will not be able to concretize commitments; promises and words are closely linked. From the point of view of development, giving the word and keeping it has been very beneficial for human beings; it has been the basis for generating bonds of trust and cooperation.
As an example, expressions like «what is promised is debt and I give you my word. Promises, statements made within systems (the family, the company) serve to consolidate trust and respect towards others.».
There are studies that show that when one decides not to fulfill a promise (has a private conversation that he/she does not share), certain areas of the brain are activated: the areas of emotional conflict. The other person may not know that I do not intend to fulfill my promise, but I do know it, and the emotional effect is direct and immediate: that emotion remains within me.
Then, Wouldn't it be better to say no when I think it's no, instead of saying yes, and vice versa? In order to feel free to express our thoughts, we need to be in a context of trust. To build trust, we need to speak, to make promises (and then keep them or renegotiate them!).
In the end, expressing ourselves is, without a doubt, the way to go
In this context of trust, we can feel safe enough to say what we think, to not be silent about what we talk about in silence, to not let a lot of words choke us out.
