From an early age we learn the importance of giving to others without expecting anything in return. This is how we commonly understand generosity. Offering our time, help, a listening ear, service… It is a highly appreciated quality and we like it when people say of us: “what a generous person”.
This belief (giving without expecting anything in return) becomes powerful because it reinforces our public identity and anyone who doesn't have the practice of sharing is labelled as “selfish”, because she thinks of him and his needs.
For years, my “giving without expecting” had evolved into a “giving, without needing others”. I had become, I believe now, a self-sufficient person. People around me offered me help, time, ideas, gifts... which I received, yes, although I didn't value it as it deserved. I placed myself “above” them, in a tremendous fit of egoplus: «you people have needs, I don't need anything, I'm self-sufficient, I can manage on my own».
Generosity in balance
When we give frequently, we can awaken in the people around us the generous impulse to return some of what they receive in order to reduce or balance the debt they feel they are acquiring with us, or else through their own “generous engine”.
The clearest example for me is children. When they are little we give to them, care for them, feed them, etc. As they grow older, they need to feel useful and valued, to do “grown-up things”. If we don't let them take part, do things their own way, take on responsibilities and play an active role, we can foster the belief that “grown-ups don't need our help”, and they will stop giving and offering.
Generous to a fault
I understand now that I must distinguish between “generous in giving” versus “generous in giving and receiving”. From the perspective of being generous in receiving and giving, I can create a space for others to be generous whenever they want. And I do not judge the quality of what I receive, the quantity or the suitability to my style, but rather I sincerely appreciate it to give value to the other person. Furthermore, I dare to ask when, up until that moment, the space for sharing has been small.
Costs? Perhaps, for our public identity, because others will perceive us as “less perfect and self-sufficient”. Benefits? Oh, they are so many! It reinforces trust and love, increases connection with the other person...
Do you fancy giving it a try? In which relationships can you expand the space of generosity, of sharing by giving, asking, or accepting?
