Misunderstandings arise from the difference between what one person says and what another hears: they are a source of problems and interpersonal conflicts, and can even damage the relationships we value most.<\/p>\n
Do either of these phrases resonate with you?<\/p>\n
I was very clear in what I said. You can't possibly have misunderstood me.
\n\u00abI heard perfectly what he told me then; now he's saying something entirely different.\u00bb.<\/p>\n
Speaking and listening are two distinct and independent actions. From logical thinking, we might believe that if one speaks clearly, the other will inevitably listen. However, we can be silent and absent at the same time without actively and empathetically listening: being silent is not the same as listening.<\/p>\n
When we take care of the aesthetics of our conversations, a harmonic dance emerges between speaking and listening, and listening and speaking. Even so, in that dance, there will always be an interpretative gap between the two dancers.<\/p>\n
As listeners, we seek meanings that allow us to interpret and understand the words we hear. Therefore, we can say that listening is hearing plus interpreting and making sense.<\/p>\n
I share a phrase from Humberto Maturana that tells us: \u201cI am absolutely responsible for what I say and wonderfully irresponsible for what you hear. Now, it is my responsibility to check what you have heard.\u201d.<\/p>\n
The question is the tool that helps us reduce the interpretative gap and will allow us to keep dancing in harmony.<\/p>\n
There's a myth that in the communication process, speaking takes the active role and listening the passive, with the listener becoming a mere receiver. According to that old model, we learned that the importance and success of communication lay in emitting the message, and that if we used the right and correct words, we would be understood.<\/p>\n
Today we know that this is not the case, that we need this unlearning in order to learn. Neuroscience has shown that listening is a very active act in the process of communication.<\/p>\n
There is a difference between hearing and listening. We hear through our auditory system, it is the biological aspect of the activity of listening. To hear we don't need to do anything, it is something passive. When I am in the room and I hear a noise, it is biological, I only need my auditory system to be working.<\/p>\n
Listening implies hearing, plus a cognitive and emotional process. A process composed of a series of data, which we interpret and to which we seek to give meaning.<\/p>\n
The power of our listening comes when we are able to discern and understand the meaning of our dance partner's message.<\/p>\n
In this dance of speaking, listening, interpreting and making sense of words, we must take into account that, in addition to the words (what is being said or verbal language), non-verbal language (volume of voice, gestures, sparkle and intensity of gaze, body posture, etc.) and emotions, which are always present and which we can 'hear' through the language itself, have a significant impact.<\/p>\n
For example, when we hear someone say \u00abthese meetings get on my nerves\u00bb, we not only listen to the words, we can also pay attention to the expression on the face, the look, the posture of the body, the alteration of the skin, the volume of the voice, etc...<\/p>\n
When you need to share something that's important to you:<\/p>\n
Among the characteristics that led you to choose that person, they might include:<\/p>\n
The Greek philosopher Epictetus used to say: \u00abJust as there is an art of speaking well, there is an art of listening well.\u00bb I would like to add that there is also an art of asking well. And like all arts, it needs to be loved and practised.<\/p>\n
To avoid distance in your relationships due to misunderstandings, I suggest you practise, therefore, active, not passive, listening; paying attention to your interlocutor's non-verbal language; and asking questions to understand, comprehend, and accept their emotions without wanting to change anything.<\/p>\n
Listening is one of the skills developed by people training in the Executive Coaching Certification Programme, as it is one of the tools that coaches use in their work during sessions.<\/p>\n